A
Narrator: … The Professor and Greg now have all but one of the expressions that will help them to break the code. They have: to hand in one’s notice, odds and ends, out of order, to put up with somebody or something, every modern convenience, to show somebody round, to lose one’s way, V.I.P. (Very Important Person), to exceed the speed limit, to eat out, every cloud has a silver lining and next door neighbour. They are now about to listen to the final tape.
* * *
Greg: Today’s the great day. The last tape and the last translation.
Prof: Then we’ll have all the code.
Greg: Or so we hope. (sneezes)
Prof: Bless you.
Greg: Thanks. I haven’t had a cold for years.
Prof: Didn’t you get an injection this year?
Greg: To tell you the truth I forgot to go for it. But I’ve got some nose drops and some pills. I’ll be all right. Now I’ll put the cassette on, shall I?
Prof: Fine.
N. O. Hope: The final tape is about a woman who cured her husband of a curious disease. There was a lot more illness in the 20th century than today, and at the beginning not every country had a national health service. A lot of people had to go to their doctors privately, which meant paying a lot of money. But by the end of the century almost every country organized a free health service. Hospitals were free to everyone, prescriptions were free and so were all doctors’ and dentists’ services. It was rather expensive for the countries to run an efficient health service, but at least it ensured that people were kept in good health.
Greg: Yes, I’ve heard that people used to go to specialists privately. Incredible really. Good thing that it’s different now.
Prof: I’ve even heard that the ambulance wouldn’t take people to hospital if they couldn’t pay.
Greg: Dreadful.
Prof: Yes. But let’s listen to the story now. I’m curious to know what that husband’s illness was.
* * *
B
(Tape)
Jack: … so I’ve had enough. I know she’s having a love affair with one of the other doctors – she’s always talking about the patients she shares with Dr. Lemon and the medical research she’s doing with Dr. Bright. It’s always: Dr. Bright said our research is going well, Dr. Lemon thinks we ought to try this treatment or that treatment. I can’t stand it anymore.
Jane: Well, Lorna’s certainly a very pretty woman, Jack, but I’m sure she’s not having an affair with anyone.
Jack: Well, I must find out. And I’ve thought of a way… Listen to this…
* * *
Jane: So I thought I ought to warn you, Lorna.
Lorna: Oh, poor darling Jack…
Jane: Well, he said he was going to find out about you. He told me he’d go into hospital as a patient and watch you and the other doctors. He seemed quite sure he would discover some romance.
Lorna: Oh, silly Jack! But I’ve an idea. I’ll ask Dr. Bright, my professor, to send me to the research lab so that I’m not there, and I’ll tell my colleagues what’s going on. We’ll try and show him he’s got nothing to worry about.
* * *
C
Jack: Darling, I’ve just been to the surgery to see the G.P. and he says I’ve got to go into hospital for a check-up.
Lorna: Jack! Whyever didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well? What’s the matter?
Jack: He said he thought I might have something wrong with my liver.
Lorna: Oh darling! Did he give you any medicine or anything?
Jack: No, but I’ve got to go into hospital on Tuesday. I’ll probably be in your ward, won’t I?
Lorna: Yes, that’s lucky at any rate. I’ll be with you, though, of course, you won’t be my patient, but Dr. Lemon’s. You’ll like him, he’s a very nice man.
Jack: Oh he is, is he?
* * *
Dr. Lemon: Ah, good morning, Mr. Brown. I’m Dr. Lemon. You’re Lorna’s husband I believe?
Jack: Good morning, yes, that’s right.
Dr. Lemon: Such a pity that Lorna isn’t on duty here this week.
Jack: Isn’t she? She didn’t tell me.
Dr. Lemon: No, the professor asked me to tell you that he has sent her to the research laboratory this week, so that she can finish her diagnostic research. Your wife’s a very clever doctor, you know, Mr. Brown. Now what’s the matter with you?
Jack: I’m getting pains in my stomach.
Dr. Lemon: Does it hurt when I press here?
Jack: Ow! Oh! O doctor, it’s agony.
Dr. Lemon: And do you feel any nausea?
Jack: Oh yes, I feel sick all the time.
Dr. Lemon: Headaches? Do you get headaches?
Jack: Er – no, I don’t think so.
Dr. Lemon: Some people complain of headaches.
Jack: Well, actually, now you mention it, my head is beginning to ache…
Dr. Lemon: I’ll send the nurse to take your temperature and a blood sample. Then you will have to have an X-ray and after that Dr. Bright will come and examine you.
Jack: Thank you, doctor.
Dr. Lemon: Nurse!
Nurse: Yes, doctor?
Dr. Lemon: Take Mr. Brown’s blood pressure and a blood sample, please.
Nurse: Certainly, Dr. Lemon. How’s your wife, Dr. Lemon? And the baby?
Dr. Lemon: Oh, they’re very well, thank you.
Nurse: (to Jack) Dr. Lemon’s wife has just had a baby.
Jack: Oh. Oh, congratulations.
* * *
D
Nurse: Tidy up your bed, Mr. Brown, it’s time for Dr. Bright’s round.
Jack: Tell me, Nurse, is my wife popular with the patients?
Nurse: What questions you keep asking! Yes, she’s a very good doctor, the patients respect her a lot.
Jack: And what about the other doctors?
Nurse: She gets on all right with them. She takes her job very seriously, there’s no nonsense about her. She works very hard. But you know all this, she’s your wife. How is your new book coming along?
Jack: My book? However did you know about that?
Nurse: Your wife is very proud to be married to a writer.
Jack: Really?
Nurse: Here’s the round, I must go!
Dr. Lemon: The patient in number 9 is Dr. Brown’s husband. He complained last week of violent pains in his stomach.
Dr. Bright: I see. And the test results?
Dr. Lemon: Here they are, and the X-ray. (lowering his voice) There’s absolutely nothing wrong, sir.
Dr. Bright: I know, I know. (to Jack) Well, Mr. Brown, I’m sorry to have to tell you that the tests and X-ray don’t look very good. The laboratory tests have shown a rather unusual disease which seems to have affected your heart as well. We may have to operate.
Jack: Operate?! What exactly is wrong?
Dr. Bright: Well, I can’t really tell you at the moment, but the research work your wife is doing may help us to diagnose it properly, and show us how to treat it. Then perhaps we needn’t think about an operation. Provided there are no complications, of course.
Jack: But Doctor, these pains… my pains… you see…
Dr. Bright: Now don’t excite yourself, Mr. Brown. You need plenty of rest or you won’t regain your strength. Then you must take a cold bath every morning, three of these pills after every meal, you’ll have a blood test every second day and an injection every third day and you’ll have a compress every evening.
* * *
E
Jack: Jane! Jane, something awful’s happened. It’s turned out that there is really something the matter with me.
Jane: Oh, you poor thing. What did the doctors say?
Jack: They said I might have to have an operation.
Jane: Oh, how awful! But what about Lorna and her love affairs?
Jack: Oh, Jane, I think I’m a real fool.
Jane: Well, if the doctors said you must stay in bed, you’d better go back at once.
Jack: Yes, I must, I must… The doctors told me it had affected my heart too…
* * *
Lorna: Darling Jack, what’s the matter? You look awful. You’re pale and you’ve lost weight.
Jack: Haven’t they told you?
Lorna: I haven’t seen any of the doctors yet, I came straight to see you. What did they tell you?
Jack: They said they would tell me the diagnosis today… Lorna! Lorna, I’m so worried… but they told me I mustn’t worry, they told me to take plenty of rest, they said it had affected my heart, they said that they would…
Lorna: … take a blood sample every second day, and that you have to have a cold bath every morning, and that you should take three pills after each meal and that they might have to operate and…
Jack: Lorna! How do you know all this?!
Lorna: Well, darling, I have at last been able to diagnose your condition. You are suffering from a serious heart complaint known as… jealousy, the causes of which, in this case, are unknown, but the treatment of which is easy. You silly man, don’t you know that I love you?
(End of Tape)
* * *
Greg: Poor man, he certainly suffered for his jealousy! Now let’s use the Ex.Ex. for the very last time.
Ex.Ex.: nothing to worry about, at any rate, to take somebody’s temperature, to take a blood sample, to take somebody’s blood pressure, to be popular with somebody, to regain one’s strength.
Greg: Now, let me take you down for a drink. My throat feels a bit sore. I could do with a cup of lemon tea with honey.
* * *