A
Narrator: … After weeks of listening to the tapes and translating the Hungarian the Professor and Greg now have almost all the expressions they need: to hand in one’s notice, odds and ends, out of order, to put up with somebody or something, every modern convenience, to show someone round, to lose one’s way, V.I.P. (Very Important Person), to exceed the speed limit and to eat out. They have only three more tapes and translations to do.
* * *
Greg: You look very pretty this evening, Prof. You should wear black more often, it suits you.
Prof: Thanks. I’ve just been to the Annual General Meeting of the Linguists’ Society. Everyone dresses to kill, though I can’t think why. It’s always an awfully boring meeting.
Greg: That sort of meeting usually is.
Prof: But I’ll tell you who I saw there – the President of the Academy of Sciences!
Greg: Did you speak to him?
Prof: He asked me if I had managed to open the safe yet. And when I told him I hadn’t, he just laughed and said I ought to have been doing something more useful in my spare time.
Greg: Well, at least he laughed. He might have told you to stop altogether.
Prof: Well, I don’t care what he says. Listen, if we do manage to open the safe and find something to save the Galaxy it would be wonderful. If we don’t, well, I’ve enjoyed trying.
Greg: So have I. So let’s get started on the next tape. Here’s Hope.
B
N. O. Hope: Tape No 11 is about the theatre group again. I think my great-great-great grandfather must have liked the theatre world. This time they are about to have a dress rehearsal of their play and are discussing the clothes that have been designed for them by a famous fashion designer. 20th century clothes were little different from today’s, though I think fashions changed more quickly. Synthetic materials were being used for the first time, which meant that housewives had an easier job with the washing and far less ironing than ever before. Drip-dry and non-iron clothes saved a great deal of time and energy. People bought ready-made clothes generally, though it was still possible to have them made by a dressmaker or tailor. In those days the weather was not controlled as it is today, so people had to be prepared for a sudden storm, or for an unexpected heat-wave. There were summer clothes and winter clothes, and rain coats and sun-hats, and bikinis, and skiing outfits, and woollen sweaters and silk tunics… and worse still, there were fashion magazines that dictated the fashions. It was very expensive keeping up with the latest fashions all the time as they changed so quickly. Today in the 23rd century we all wear uniforms which is much cheaper and more practical.
Prof: My goodness! How horrid to wear uniforms all the time. I can’t imagine that the women enjoyed that very much.
Greg: It must have been very practical though. I can’t think why people went back to fashion clothes again!
Prof: Let’s listen to the tape, shall we?
Greg: You don’t agree with me! Well, never mind.
* * *
C
(Tape)
Basil: Really, this looks like a fashion show or something from a fashion magazine rather than theatre costumes for a play.
Woman: Well, you’ve almost hit the nail on the head – didn’t you know that the costumes were being designed by the House of Paris Fashion?
Penny: By Jean-Jacques Monstreux himself!
Basil: Who is he?
Penny: Oh really! He’s one of the most famous fashion designers.
Basil: But why on earth do I need fashion designed clothes when all I have to do is try and blow up a hospital?
Woman: Well, these are very special. Look at this stylishly cut tracksuit for the first act and then a black knitted polo-necked sweater and a pair of jeans.
Basil: A stylishly cut tracksuit! My God, what’s the world coming to! And as to the sweater and jeans, you needn’t have bothered, I could have worn my own… Though of course they weren’t designed by Jean-Jacques Monster, or whatever his name is! Anyway, these jeans look a bit long.
Woman: You try them on. We can always take them up if they’re too long. Now Penny’s outfit. In the first act, Penny, when you come back from the dinner party, you’ll wear this long silk evening dress.
Penny: I ought to have some accessories, oughtn’t I?
Woman: Yes, they should have arrived by now… But you can carry this little embroidered evening bag.
Penny: Oh, the dress is gorgeous!
Woman: It will suit you beautifully. The House of Paris Fashion will be very pleased. After all, this is an important occasion for them, too. It’s an advertisement for their clothes really.
Penny: Well, I often thought I should have been a fashion model as well as an actress. Now what about the rest of my clothes?
Woman: Next you have a woollen suit. – Here it is. The skirt is a midi, it has a slit to show the red lining. So I think you’ll like it. The jacket is meant to be quite tight. It should be all right. It’s a size 12.
Penny: But I usually take a size 10. This is too big for me.
Woman: Perhaps I should have had it made a bit smaller, but it looked tiny even so.
Penny: But I am tiny!
Basil: There she goes again!
Penny: Do you mind?
Woman: And here’s your trouser suit for the final scene. Beautiful synthetic linen… Now Frank’s costume is easy. A dinner jacket in the first scene and then he has a dark suit, an old school tie and a striped shirt all the way through the play. Here you are.
Director: Thank you, Mrs. White. Now let’s get on with the dress rehearsal. Remember, there is an audience out there. Four of the local schools have got free seats this afternoon…
Penny: Oh my God! You really shouldn’t have given the complimentary tickets to schools.
Director: Whyever not? Anyway, there are about forty journalists and fashion editors as well.
Penny: But they are more interested in the costumes than in the acting.
Director: Well, it’s your job to make them forget about the clothes and think about the play!
* * *
D
Director: Well, you needn’t have worried about those kids, they’re completely happy… Now then, listen, here’s the bit where Basil wants to blow up the hospital.
* * *
Frank: (acting) And just what do you think you’re doing? Coming here dressed like a hippy and not even clean. This is a hospital!
Basil: All right, Frank. You have got 60 seconds to say whatever you like. Then it’s all over with you and your wretched hospital.
Frank: What do you mean?
Basil: Just this: there’s a bomb in the operating theatre. It will explode in exactly – (explosion)
Director: My God, what’s that?! It shouldn’t have gone off yet!
Basil: Fire, fire! Fire!!!
* * *
Penny: Oh, it’s pouring with rain and I’m soaked to the skin!
Basil: What about the others? Oh, here comes Mike. Good Lord, why are you in your underwear?
Mike: Why do you think? I was just changing for my final appearance when the fire alarm rang.
Actress: Oh, goodness, your pants!…
Director: Everyone here? What happened to my precious costumes?
Frank: We are all safe!
Actress: Here’s the fire chief.
Fire Chief: Splendid! Excellent! Absolutely no panic. My firemen made an excellent job of it. Well done, lads. Thank you, director. Sorry that we troubled you. Perhaps I should have warned you first.
Director: Whatever do you mean?
Fire Chief: Well, about the fire practice, of course.
Director: What? You mean you arranged something and then you…
Fire Chief: All aboard the engine now! Cheerio!
Penny: Well, every cloud has a silver lining. At least the costumes are safe…
(End of Tape)
* * *
Prof: A bit risky to do something like that with a theatre full of children!
Greg: Don’t take it so seriously, it’s only a story!
Prof: True… I’ll feed it into the Ex.Ex. now.
Ex.Ex.: to hit the nail on the head, there she goes again, all the way through, it’s all over with somebody or something, to pour with rain, to be soaked to the skin, every cloud has a silver lining.
Greg: That’s a good selection. Now I’d like to invite you for a drink at the bar. You are looking so pretty this evening, it’s a pity to be sitting here where no one else can see you. Come on.
Prof: My goodness, what flattery! But thank you, I’d love a drink… and I haven’t danced for ages…
Greg: Dance! Lord of Robots!… Prof, I’m the worst dancer in the whole Galaxy. But let’s go. I promise I’ll do my best.
* * *