A
Narrator: … Slowly Greg and the Professor are collecting the expressions they need to open the safe. They now have: to hand in one’s notice, odds and ends, out of order, to put up with somebody or something, every modern convenience, to show somebody round, to lose one’s way and V.I.P. (Very Important Person). They are now going to listen to the next tape.
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Greg: Sorry I’m so late, Prof.
Prof: Never mind. I was only worried something had happened.
Greg: No, I got caught up in the rush hour, that’s all. I usually leave a little early, but I couldn’t get away today. And the space-buses were so crowded I couldn’t get on the first two that came along.
Prof: It’s because of the migration, you know. I read in the paper that they aren’t making buses any more. They are concentrating on long-distance inter-galaxy coaches to make sure everyone can leave.
Greg: Perhaps we won’t have to if we can find the code and open the safe.
Prof: Shall we start then? It’s tape No 9.
Greg: Yes, let’s. Here’s the cassette.
B
N. O. Hope: Tape No 9 is about an experiment some people made to see how helpful people were in the street. It’s all about transport and traffic. The 20th century marked the end of the horse as a means of transport. People bought cars and travelled far more widely than ever before. Towns became jammed with traffic, and you had to pay to park, even. There were parking meters, and traffic wardens who fined people for parking in the wrong places. Some towns were so congested that no parking was allowed at all, and people had to leave their cars in large car parks outside the city and travel in by public transport. On the other hand public transport was gradually improving. There were buses, trolley buses and trams in most towns, and big cities had underground trains as well. It was in the twentieth century that the people first became aware of the dangers of pollution and began to look for new fuels for vehicles to replace oil and petrol. Now, in the 23rd century, we only have solar-powered cars and there is no pollution at all, but the cities are just as crowded as ever.
Prof: Times haven’t changed much, then.
Greg: Only now it’s space that’s jammed with traffic, not the cities.
Prof: Anyway, let’s listen and see if people were any more helpful in the 20th century than they are today.
C
(Tape)
Chairman: … and the subject of our next paper is “How helpful are people in the street?”. I hand over to Professor Glib, from the psychiatric department of the Studies Institute.
Glib: Ladies and Gentlemen, the subject of our paper is “How helpful are people in the street?”. I was assisted in my investigations by Raymond Grant, the well-known radio reporter, and Mary Midi, a guide from a travel agency. Our plan was to start from the Central Bus Station and make for the camping site on the edge of the town. Grant went by car. Miss Midi and I decided to rely on public transport. We each carried cassette tape recorders and recorded the reactions of the people who we asked to help us find our way. First then, here is Raymond Grant’s report.
Grant: (on tape): “I’m sitting in my car in the car park by the Central Bus Station. I shall ask the car park attendant how to get to the campsite… Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to the camping site?
Attendant: Well sir, it’s quite a way, you know, but the best thing would be to cut through the park. There’s a one-way street system, so be careful to take the right road or you’ll end up back here again!
Grant: And how do I reach the park?
Attendant: Drive out of here and turn left. Then keep straight on to the traffic lights at the crossroads. Turn left again and the park’s in front of you.
Grant: Thank you very much, good-bye.
Attendant: Just a minute, sir, you’ve gone over your time – that’ll be an extra –
Grant: But I only stayed here in order to ask you the way.
Attendant: Well. I’m sorry, sir. Another time you’d better use a map. That’ll be fifty pence…
Grant: Well, the attendant seemed helpful enough, but he gave me the wrong directions! At the park I stopped to ask a pedestrian. Excuse me, can you tell me the way to the camping site?
Woman: I’m not sure I can. I’m afraid. Hang on a mo! Hey Mister! How’d you get to the campsite from here?
Man: I should say the best thing is to turn right at the traffic lights…
Policeman: What’s all this? What do you think you’re doing parking here? Can’t you see the No Stopping sign?
Grant: I’m very sorry, officer, but I’ve lost my way. I stopped to ask.
Policeman: No stopping allowed here.
Grant: I’m sorry, I’m a stranger and it’s quite…
Policeman: O.K., in that case I won’t fine you this time.
Grant: Oh, thank you. But please, help me get to the camping site.
Policeman: I’m going that way myself. You’d better follow me.
Grant: Thank you, that’s very kind. – So I went with a police escort. We exceeded the speed limit all the way and arrived with sirens wailing and everyone jumping out of the way.”
D
Glib: So Grant had little trouble, but although people seemed to be helpful he wouldn’t have found his way if it hadn’t been for the police. Now let’s listen to Mary Midi’s account.
Mary: “At the Central Bus Station I first asked a bus official… Can I get to the camping site by bus?
Official: Sorry, Miss, we only have long-distance coaches here. Can’t help you, I’m afraid.
Mary: So I asked someone waiting in a bus queue.
Man: Haven’t a clue. I don’t live here, myself. I’m on my way through. I’m just changing coaches here.
Mary: Thank you. – I asked a postman.
Postman: Take a number 6 bus from over there. Can you see that chemist’s shop? The bus-stop is right outside. Get off the bus at the station and change on to a number 8 tram. It’ll take you all the way.
Mary: Oh, thank you so much… So I took the bus as he had told me and got off at the station. As I was waiting to cross the road to the tram a large red Mercedes stopped.
German: Excuse me. I’m looking for the camping site. Can you tell me how to find it?
Mary: I’m going there myself, actually.
German: Fine. Then jump in. I’ll give you a lift.
Mary: The German and I lost our way completely. We asked several people and no one knew exactly where the campsite was.”
Glib: So Mary never met us at the campsite. But she managed to prove that being helpful can make people happy. She is now living in Germany, married to the man with the large red Mercedes…
E
Glib: Finally here’s my report.
Waitress: “Are you going by car?
Glib: No.
Waitress: Well, it’s too far to walk, love. You’d be best to take a number 6 bus, then change on to a number 8 tram, get off at the swimming pool and…
Man: … The campsite? No, you’d better get a taxi – it’s very complicated otherwise.
Woman: No, it’s quite easy. Take a trolley from the corner to the stadium, then…
Girl: Not the stadium, the police station…
Man 2: Take the underground, it’s quicker…
Woman: But the underground doesn’t go in the right direction…
Man: Well, it does if you get off at the Town Hall…
Woman 2: The Town Hall has moved. It’s somewhere in the new shopping centre.
Man: No, it’s not in the shopping centre.
Glib: But please tell me how to get to the campsite?
Man: You should read the papers, madam. The Town Hall is that new block by the Stadium…
Girl: You should read the papers. I work in the Town Hall, it’s over by the…
Glib: But please tell me where the campsite is!
Man: Stop interrupting!
Glib: But the campsite!
Man: Can’t you see we’re talking! Find your own bloody way!”
Glib: So I walked out, quite exhausted and took a taxi. Ladies and Gentlemen, the conclusion I must make from our experiment is that on the whole people in the street are helpful, but I’d advise anyone in a strange place to use a map… you are more likely to reach your destination.
(End of Tape)
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Prof: Now I’ll put the tape on the Expression Extractor.
Ex.Ex.: on the edge of the town, to cut through the park, to keep straight on, I haven’t a clue, to be on one’s way through somewhere, it’ll take you all the way, to give somebody a lift, to get lost, to exceed the speed limit, you can’t miss it.
Prof: Plenty of them this time. By the way, Greg, I forgot to tell you that I’ve just bought a Mini Space Hopper.
Greg: Have you really? They are supposed to be very good.
Prof: They don’t cost much to run and they’re easy to park. Come and have a look at it.
Greg: Hm, I’d love to. It’s in the inflatable floating garage.
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