A
Narrator: … So far Greg and the Professor have found two expressions: to hand in one’s notice and odds and ends.
* * *
Greg: Good Lord, Prof, whatever are you doing?
Prof: Oh, you’re early, Greg. I’d hoped to have got everything back in place before you arrived. I’ve been spring cleaning.
Greg: Whatever for? Haven’t you got an automatic cleaner?
Prof: Yes, and a de-duster, and a vapour mist-washer… everything. But I still find dust on top of the cupboard every morning. It’s very strange, because this planet has been dust-free for years.
Greg: I wonder if the capsule is the trouble.
Prof: You know, you may be right…
Greg: Every time we open it and take out the next envelope, I feel a sort of tickle in my nose.
Prof: That might be dust. I’ll take out today’s tape and we’ll see…
Greg: Now look at the top of the Automatic Dictionary! It’s covered with grey stuff.
Prof: I think I’ll have to use an old-fashioned duster to clean it. Obviously, our machines are too refined for it.
Greg: Well, let’s get the room straight again…
Prof: To save time I brought some coffee up in a thermos.
Greg: Oh, that’s good. Well, what has old N. O. Hope to say about the 3rd tape?
Prof: Let’s see.
B
N. O. Hope: Tape 3 is about a rather chaotic house cleaning session.
Greg: How’s that for a coincidence!
N. O. Hope: Housework in the 20th century was done mainly by woman. If the women went out to work, they simply did the cleaning, washing, washing up, etc. when they got home. Sociologists and people used to call it the second shift, and said that men should help at home after work. But not too many did. People were not advanced enough to do all housework automatically. There were labour saving devices – automatic washing machines and electric mixers and vacuum cleaners, but they still had to be worked by a person – usually the wife. Of course the man had things to do, too. In those days if, for example, one of the machines went wrong, they had to either have it mended or do it themselves. There was a do-it-yourself movement, and lots of people made things for themselves instead of having them made. For example they painted the house, fixed taps, made furniture, repaired their cars, grew vegetables, and so on. As I said before people in those days didn’t have much free time.
Greg: They don’t have much time now, either.
Prof: No, but I think our chores are much easier, all the same. Well, what about chores of the 20th century? Let’s listen to the tape.
* * *
C
(Tape)
Tom: (Hissing noise) My god, the pressure cooker! Dad, turn the gas off. It’s been on for 2 hours now. When it’s cooled down, we’ll see if it’s cooked.
Dad: Do you think that’s enough? I know Mum likes it underdone, but still.
Tom: Well, what’s the time? Oh, my goodness, we’ve only got an hour before she comes.
Dad: Well, there’s not much left to do. I’ve nearly finished the ironing.
Tom: What?! Haven’t you finished yet? You’ve been ironing ever since you came home.
Dad: I’ve done twenty-seven handkerchiefs and five socks.
Tom: Dad! You’re not ironing the socks, are you?! What a waste of time.
Dad: But Tom, it’s your mother’s birthday today, she’ll be so surprised to come home and find all the ironing done.
Tom: I’m sure she’ll be surprised to find the socks ironed!… Dad, I’ve finished this little bit of washing. When I’ve put it in the spin-drier I’ll wash the bathroom floor.
Dad: I’ll just iron one more tie, then I’ll wash up the breakfast things… (ghastly noise) Tom, Tom, are you all right? What’s happening?
Tom: It’s the spin-drier. It’s walking. Look out, it’s in the hall already. Catch it for goodness’ sake! (bang! noise stops) It’s broken. Still, it almost went through the glass door… But what’s that funny smell?
Dad: Oh, the iron has burnt a hole in your mother’s fur coat.
Tom: Oh, Dad! Now you’ll have to buy that coat she’s been dreaming about for weeks. Anyway, open the window and air the kitchen at least (doors slam – a window breaks.).
Dad: I think we need a whisky.
Tom: Now let’s get down to business. I’ll sweep up the glass and you quickly dust the living room.
Dad: Then you lay the table and I’ll grind the coffee. But hurry because she’ll be here soon and we want to surprise her…
Tom: Dad, where did you put the tea-towel? You haven’t dried the spoons properly.
Dad: I’ve no idea where I put it. Oh, here it is, in my pocket. But it’s awfully dirty – I must have used it instead of the duster.
Tom: Dad, you’re impossible.
Dad: Well, housekeeping’s not quite my line. Where’s the coffee grinder kept?
Tom: On the top shelf in the larder. I’ve laid the table. Where did you put the flowers you bought?
Dad: They’re in my briefcase.
Tom: But they’ve been there for hours! Look, they’re all dead. Here, put them in the rubbish.
Dad: Oh, poor Mum, I did want everything to be nice and tidy for her birthday. Now her coat’s burnt, the spin drier’s broken, the kitchen window’s broken and there’re no flowers. Well, at least there’ll be coffee waiting for her. (Noise of coffee beans falling all over the place)
Tom: Dad, did you forget to put the lid on by any chance? It’ll take hours to clean up this mess.
Dad: Well, let’s try with the hoover, that might be easier.
* * *
D
(door chimes)
Tom: Help. Mother’s here. Oh, gosh, look at the mess.
Woman: Good afternoon, I’m from the Good Housekeeping Society.
Tom: Oh, Good afternoon.
Dad: (from the kitchen) Is that you, dear?
Tom: No, it’s someone from the… the…
Woman: From the Good Housekeeping Society!
Dad: (close to Tom) Don’t shout. I’m not deaf. Good afternoon.
Woman: Good afternoon. I am doing a survey on the working woman and the second shift. Have you a moment to spare?
Dad: Well…
Woman: Good. Perhaps we could have a little chat in the kitchen.
Dad: Er – I’m sorry I’m afraid we’re very busy.
Woman: Well, just a couple of quick questions then. Isn’t your wife at home?
Dad: No, she is out at the moment.
Woman: Does she work? I mean, has she a job?
Dad: Yes, she’s a draughtsman.
Woman: So she has to do her housework after work?
Dad: That’s right.
Woman: Do you believe in helping your wife in the home?
Dad: My son and I try to give her a hand if we can.
Woman: Do you have any particular jobs that you do?
Dad: Well, my son looks after his own room. My job is to take the rubbish to the dustbin and'do the odd repairs about the house. I mend anything that’s out of order.
Woman: Then I take it you don’t actually help with the housework.
Dad: Well…
Woman: I see, you belong to the old-fashioned, egotistic, spoiled type of man. Thank you. Good day.
Dad: Good-bye.
* * *
E
Tom: Thank goodness you didn’t let her in!
Dad: Did you manage to sweep up all the coffee beans?
Tom: Yes. But something worse’s happened. I tried to empty the hoover and now there’s dust and fluff all over the kitchen ceiling.
Dad: Oh, no. Oh dear, your poor mother.
(door chimes)
Tom: Hullo Mum!
Dad: Hullo darling.
Mum: Hullo, hullo dear. My goodness. What’s going on here?
Dad: Well, you see…
Tom: It’s like this…
Mum: What’s happened to the window?
Dad: The insurance man’s coming tomorrow.
Mum: And what’s all this mess in the kitchen?
Tom: The Cleaning Company are coming out on Friday.
Dad: I’ll take the spin-drier to be mended in the morning…
Tom: I’ll just run down and get the flowers…
Dad: And here’s cheque for that new coat you want…
Mum: Darling, but whatever’s going on? And what’s this strange looking stuff in the pressure cooker?
Dad: It’s your…
Tom: What Father means is, go and change, we’re all going out to dinner to celebrate your birthday.
(End of Tape)
* * *
Prof: That’s what comes of trying to lend a hand!
Greg: I wonder where N. O. Hope’s great-great-great grandfather got all these stories from. And why, for that matter.
Prof: Yes, it’s such an odd collection of stories, isn’t it? Now what about the expressions? Did you get any of them?
Greg: I jotted down a couple, but not all of them.
Prof: Never mind. I’ll put the tape into the Ex.Ex.
Greg: “X” the unknown?
Prof: No. XX, the Expression Extractor. Here you are.
Ex.Ex.: There’s not much left to do, to get down to business, by any chance, it takes hours to do something, to do a survey on something, to have a moment to spare, to give a hand, to do the odd repairs about the house, out of order.
Greg: Hm, quite a lot. Let’s have a look at the Hungarian then.
Prof: Unfortunately we’ll have to put that off for a while. It’s time for the automatic cleaner to start work.
Greg: Let’s have a snack in the buffet then.
Prof: I wonder if there’s some sort of appetizer in that 20th century dust… By the end of each session you are as hungry as a wolf.
Greg: Perhaps if you use your old-fashioned duster, I won’t work up an appetite any more. But let’s go… and quickly!
* * *